Some of you know, I have decided to embrace my natural hair colour… To say it’s been easy would be fibbing. Two years ago I saw a woman sporting a funky short white spiky hairstyle, along with an impressive tattoo on her upper right arm and some part of me smiled and thought ” I like that!” ‘I want that!’ It’s funny how things impress us and at the time we think it’s just a fleeting thing. I had no idea that moment would impress upon me deeply…. and when the time was right… when I felt brave and bold I would embark on this journey of total inner self-acceptance at its very grass ‘roots’ level….
It’s been quite a journey. When I think back to several weeks ago when I was about to take a photo of my (OH MY GOD NOT MY ROOTS?) I was hit by a wave of intense fear, embarrassment, even shame. It was like I was taking a photo of someplace very very private…. far more private than my damn head…..I even had to speak firmly to myself ‘my god loni, it’s just your hair roots, why on earth do you feel like your auditioning for a porn movie?’
I was surprised by my own awkardness. My inner self-loathing that finally, after 35 odd years of dying my hair, of covering up who I truly was, ever so slowly, uncovering and for goodness sakes… accepting… the real me. Warts, white hair and all.
Thankfully, its been a fairly quick transition. Something inside me (my renegade self) kept urging me forth. YOU have this. YOU can do it. Who care’s if you get the odd look? Does it really matter if a few friends think it doesn’t suit you? After all, it’s your hair, your head, you can do what you jolly well like!
I suppose I should have expected some backlash…. One lady friend told me she was disappointed I was ‘letting myself go’ ( and thus fall into some deep pit never to return?) … and I was taken aback by the reactions of 2 males that felt the need to add their 2 cents worth ONE: ‘ ‘its wayyyyyyy too short’ and … TWO: ‘Im not quite sure- Loni – that I particularly like it’ … I marveled that I would never have considered ever, to comment on their hair styles (or lack thereof) yet funnily they thought it quite okay to comment on mine.
It’s a bloody good thing I’d been practicing my mantra as I drove alone in my little silver echo happily transitioning…. Like pooh bear, I sang my little song….
“I don’t care ….it’s only hair.. and hair grows… and besides… It isn’t ME! the real me is somewhere inside …. and besides…… (FFS) It’s only HAIR’ and hair grows…..La la ta dahhhh. I love me and the real me isn’t my hair… la la larrrr”
SO here I am. Over the last 8 – 10 weeks.
To be honest, my hair has never felt so soft and silky. I’m in awe of the re-growth. I’m feeling happy with the ease to which a short pixie cut enables me to style and get ready in the morning! Eventually I’ll grow it, I’m looking forward to experimenting with curls and wonder how soft and malleable they will be. I salute the many other transitioning brave and fearless women on the facebook pages ‘Growing grey gracefully’ and ‘Growing grey guide book‘ .… you all ROCK. Your encouragement has helped me SO MUCH! I love seeing all these amazing strong empowering transitioning ladies!
All up, this is a great experiment in gauging ones own level of self-esteem whilst becoming more aware of one’s inner self-talk…. there have been days I’ve avoided all mirrors….and sternly told myself to “pop on a hat and get about your day”.
I realize I’m in some deep chamber of change…ever so slowly, subtly, embracing… another tiny step towards loving and accepting my ever-changing self.