# me too

# Me Too

There’s been so much discussion around this topic of late.

I thought I’d share one of my experiences.

When I finally broke free from a certain ‘controlling ex’ I was an emotional wreck. I had been so undermined over the years and I didn’t know which way was up.

When I left ( the 8th or 9th time which is crazy in itself, but well understood in DV relationships) he tried to further terrorize me by threatening to take out a mental health assessment order.

I was in complete shock.

WTF? Today, I can laugh at his behaviour but back then, I was so frightened. He used to sit on me and rave in my face to ‘get his point across’. As I sadly accepted (with the help of counselling) that I had been emotionally abused bullied and manipulated I realised the only way to go was to LEAVE. I knew the effect stress was having on me. I had to save myself.

Of course to anyone who gave him the time of day, this relationship had nothing to do with him. It was all me. I was going through menopause, therefore unstable,  he was the good guy, the knight in shining armour who ‘loved’ me enough to stick by me,,,

Puleese!

Meanwhile, I was quivering mess, curled up in shock and fear in a single bedroom with a solitary fan overhead, a suitcase of clothes, in a women’s shelter with other ladies in various stages of recovery.

His latest tactic was just that. A Tactic.

He had ruled me with fear and uncertainty and high tension drama for too long. He was the ultimate carrot dangler and when a counsellor pointed it out – a light was turned on. I could finally see what he had been doing for years! Of course I began to notice other games he played too.

It was high time I took my power back but I had no idea how…

He persisted in his chase of me, even after I’d entered the shelter, reaching into cyber-land to sweet talk me one moment, abuse me the next, depending on my reply.

Finally, after receiving 35 emails one day, I realised had to let go of the sick dream that things could be different. I wasn’t prepared to live any longer on the roller coaster a moment longer. I wanted ME back. I used to wonder where did the young woman who loved nothing more than to canter on a horse or who would grab a back pack and take off to Asia for 3 months? WHERE IS SHE – I NEED HER!

A worker at the Shelter told me straight ‘you must break ALL communication with this guy’ …. I followed her instruction and by doing that, began to take my power back.

My self esteem was crucially low. Therefore the fear of the unknown, of embracing change, the future, of not having enough money these fears become bigger than Ben Hur. Yet the alternative was killing me. I knew if I stayed in a highly stressed situation like a DV relationship with a massive power imbalance I would probably get cancer. The constant stress would get me…..

I needed to get okay with a daily diet of uncertainty.

But only in the beginning, things got easier step by step and with each step I took towards my healing, I began to breath easier once again. I began to re connect with that fearless traveller inside me. That first year was hard. I won’t sugar coat it. It was a rough ride back to myself.

Even after having a AVO in place, he befriended me on FB posing as a woman to find out my next ‘move’. Another ‘game’ another tactic. He wasn’t giving up.

It has taken me the best part of a decade to heal. I curled up in that shelter and hid from the world whilst I licked my wounds. For 3 months I did little else other than feed myself and take daily walks on the beach. Thank god for centrelink.  I had been completely traumatised by this man. People under estimate the untold trauma and stress that you go through in these toxic relationships. How dangerous they can be.

On a deeper level it was a similar emotional environment I had grown up in. As Pia Melody succinctly writes  in her best selling book Codependant No More….’It feels just like home’ …. Hmm….I realised I was well versed in this dance of emotional abuse.

During my healing I read lots of books, attended counselling, group therapy, art therapy, played my piano again and sat under the moonlight drumming in Mooloolabah.

 I realized that anything we have not dealt with in ourselves, made peace with or worked through in self –awareness, ALL old wounds will continue to re-appear, knocking on the door of our soul ‘hello? anyone home?’ Until we recognise, invite them in and sit in the darkness a while.

Everyone talks about ‘letting go’ and although far from an easy process yet,  it is incredibly freeing.  AND the first step towards your souls healing.

Once you reconcile in your own mind it really is over and begin to speak words of positive self talk instead of reeling from the fear that someone else instills in you, tiny wings of strength begin to take root. The great thing about having a breakdown is that you have the ability to re structure your life. It’s gorgeous rich territory for self growth!

The ladies in the shelter helped me tremendously, they saw my inner self,  the real me. They validated my experience and gave me encouragement and hugs when I needed them. These women became pillars of strength and I will never forget them.

I also had a few close friends and my sister, Trudi who believed in me. They were solid.  Never a week goes by when I don’t silently thank them. THEY ARE GOLD. Far more precious than any amount of money. I am now blessed with a daughter who walks beside me, who understands so much beyond her years because she has witnessed my journey and is growing in her own self awareness and maturity. I have met other survivors of abuse and I have new friends. We get each other.

 

As I unraveled my inner world and began to look at things with less emotion and more understanding I realized I could not have chosen anyone else BUT a man like him. If it wasn’t him, it would have been someone similar. My soul needed that lesson.

As harsh as it was.

I am evolving into a far stronger woman because of the many lessons from the turmoil and drama! It’s been a wild ride but I’m out the other side now. I’ve learned to rely on myself, I value who I am, I’m learning how to set boundaries. I am getting better at spotting a manipulator. I can feel when it’s happening. For so long I felt it but couldn’t articulate what was going on. 

The more I face a life of seeming uncertainty, the more the Universe has my back. I have chosen a life of growth instead of being stuck in unhappiness and abuse. I have chosen to let go of many possessions and have risen above material stuff. Most importantly He no longer has power over me. I am my own woman.

I have corrected the imbalance which only I could do and am finally, the free bird I only once dreamed about.

SO #me too  # I’m Free # Be you :

Thanks for reading, if you know someone who is stuck, or in a DV relationship like I once was, maybe it will help to share this post with them…

loni xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I quit smoking

Ill let you in on a secret! Once apon a time, I loved smoking.

I started when I was 16 and continued until 26. A packet a day was normal for me. When I look back I think ‘oh god, what was I thinking?’ I had always suffered bronchitis when I was a kid so smoking was the last thing I needed.

I grew up in a typical 70’s family. We all smoked, all 5 kids and dad.

Mum was the only one who didn’t and never complained about her kitchen turning into a smoke bomb! They were the days everyone who visited also lit up in the house and believe me with 5 kids we all had friends who smoked and who loved to visit! It never occurred to us to step outside.

My how times have changed.

When I was 26 I met the father of my daughter. He was very concerned about my smoking and introduced me to Aloe Vera, the Forever Living Range of Aloe which is harvested in the USA and very pure, organic.

So with his encouragement he bought me a bottle of the gel and dropped it over one day and said in good ol aussie slang ‘take a couple of swigs morning and night, along with lots of water. Let the Aloe detox your body and get rid of those cigarette poisons.’

I must admit I was getting a little worried about the effect smoking was having on me. If the telephone rang I would race through my unit to answer it only to hear ‘Have you been running?’ I was so out of breath just from that! It was a wake up call.

Time to change tact.

Aloe vera set my feet apon a new pathway.

I drank that first bottle, and found I just didn’t have the cravings. it was easy to cut back.

I went from smoking a packet to half. And this was from someone who enjoyed smoking and honestly I was addicted. I wasn’t at all sure I could quit! But there you go….

Within 6 weeks and 4 bottles of gelI had cut down to 3 a day and from that point it was easy.  http://bit.ly/myloveofaloe

I never looked back and certainly don’t miss smoking at all… And that’s from someone who not only was thoroughly addicted but LOVED to smoke ! heck oh heck !

This is a very affordable option to whats out there in the market ! Don’t miss this opportunity. I want to help you get free of this insidious addiction.

Email me for encouragement or if you would like to try the aloe xx

The Blog Challenge …

An email popped into my inbox the other day inviting me to  ‘enter the blog challenge for 30 days… yarda’…  On first look, I thought,  ‘yeah I can write a blog post each day for 30 days’ how hard can that be? Then I reminded myself ‘hey you work 7 days straight (live in) –  so there goes one week….. can you really do it?’ Instead,  I’ve been reading their tips and insights, some that resonate with me because (drum roll) I am changing my blog site to reflect something that I’m passionate about. (Stay tuned –  this blog is changing soon!) So todays challenge was ‘write about something that didn’t go to plan. A time that you stumbled.’

That’s easy (thought I) I’ve stumbled so many times I’ve simply lost count.

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There were the many times I thought I had found ‘the one’ and ended up with dripping egg on my chin.. like the many times I went back to a certain ‘ex’ believing his promises of ‘change’ only to find nothing had changed and once again, I was faced with, that familiar question …” who are you going to listen to, YOUR intuition or HIS promises?”  That took a while for me to ‘get’ because for some reason I always thought someone knew better than I….

Yep, life can be one long twisty gnarly road sometimes, especially when we deviate from our god given gift of intuition… sometimes we just don’t want to believe what we kinda feel is right. Whats with that? Why the indecision?

Over recent years,  I’m getting better with taking the brakes off ‘my life ‘ (and all I thought I was in control of) and to learn to simply let go of all outcomes.

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There’s so much to consider in this life… A bootcamp on letting go? Releasing, relaxing a little more, continual learning and delving into the self…. yet always keeping an eye on helping others…