From the time I was about 16, I constantly asked “what is this life all about.?” I used to run to the beach as a girl, sobbing with confusion at my parents terrible arguments, sit on a rock and cry to the wind ‘Hey God, I’m in the wrong family!!! Questions about energy, the law of attraction, karma, what happens when we die, why are we here, what’s it all about? Is spirit able to influence us? Is intuition our guiding force? These are questions I’ve been seeking answers to my entire life. So, one time, about 10 years ago I found myself at the cross roads. I had turned my back on my spiritual questioning and development, and believed in a man, his promises, “the story”. But life has a funny way of bringing you back to your knees…. and the following story is about that time.
‘I sat on a wooden seat at Middelton Beach, alone, heavy hearted, bereft with confusion. My second marriage was falling apart and I’d left Brisbane to spend some time with my mother in Albany, a small town in the south west of W.A. The wind was howling like I remembered it from my childhood. I felt completely numb. What do I do next? Where do I go from here? If I was blunt with myself I knew the relationship was over. The pattern had become rote. We had tried for 5 years to make it work and had failed.
Our arguments had become a battleground of power and control and would escalate if I didn’t back down. I was tired of acquiescing for the sake of peace. I understood the repetition of patterns learned in childhood. How we re-live them until we learn, grow stronger and let go. I realised full well where I’d learnt this pattern (childhood) and yet unconsciously and emotionally I seemed to be driven to keep repeating the drama.
Hence, I was emotionally exhausted on every level.
The clouds obscured the sun and I pulled my jacket up around my neck. It was August, a chilly time of the year to be back in Albany. Suddenly, I felt an urge to walk down to the right hand corner of the beach, towards the rocks where I used to sit as a girl, crying into the wind, asking for help then too. As I walked over the mounds of seaweed I stood quietly, gazing. The rock I used to sit on remained unchanged and the jetty I remembered as a kid, stood stoically, solid.
I turned slightly, and sitting there in perfect mint condition was a large shell. A whole rather large shell! I looked around, amazed at my discovery. Surely early morning walkers would have spotted this beauty? I picked it up and held it to my chest marvelling in my lucky find. ‘Thank you’ I whispered. A feeling of reassurance washed over me as I intuitively felt that everything would work out all right, that I would rise through this wall of emotional turmoil that hovered alongside and within me.
The following day, I decided to repeat this. I drove to the beach early, sat on the bench and talked to ‘god’. Once again, I walked to the right hand corner of the beach and there among the mounds of seaweed was a second shell, almost in perfect condition. What were the chances? I was completely gobsmacked. The only other miracle like this that had happened was the time I was chosen out of an audience at a Doris Stokes Show.
But this, came right in my hour of need.’
I re tell this story because it inspires me that perhaps we are all being guided far more than we know. We are never alone, even when we feel we are. There is always hope and that is something we should never ever let go of especially when we feel lost, exhausted, alone and bewildered as I certainly did during that period in my life.
Lub Loni xx