I’m so interested in what makes a healthy relationship.
For those of us who didn’t have strong healthy foundations set in childhood it does prolong the journey of learning what exactly constitutes healthy relating.
It does however give you rich territory to reflect on what ‘doesn’t work’. It is why I like doing courses, reading books and continuing to learn and grow! What is a life without continue learning?
One of the books I am currently reading is called “The Art of Trust” by Lee Jampolsky. In it he speaks about A frame relationships, where ‘two people become mutually dependent on one another and mistakenly call the set up a trusting relationship.’ He refers to it as an A frame because if either side is moved both sides fall. He says as a therapist he encounters this a lot. I think the ability to grow and be self sufficient enough in oneself and to be able to stand alone despite having a partner is the kind of relationship I would be looking for.
I’ve been down the other road and know there is no happiness in learned dependency. You feel trapped and can’t seem to find enough inner fortitude to get out. Until the pain outweighs the pay offs and it is so often this inner pain that propels us forward.
Yet how many couples stay together for the kids? Or it becomes a business deal. They don’t want to face the task of dividing up assets. Yet here’s the thing, what price is your growth and your happiness? Why live in quiet desperation?
I remember a person telling me how unhappy they were in their marriage and I said ‘get out! Share it all and start again while you still can!’ They didn’t’ want to do that and now they are ten years older, their body is breaking down and are pretty miserable last time I saw them.
Listen to your soul. Grow, move, fly….