More musings of a ex serial dater

Honestly, before we start seriously dating we could all do ourselves a great favour, enter therapy and take an inventory of ourselves! I’m not pointing the finger here because I too, have experienced unrequited love in the dating arena. I too have ‘stuff’ I have to deal with. I too, am far from perfect, out there in the dating arena of which I’ve frequented I’ve met many…. Soooo many….

Lets meet a few.

Mr Negative: Lots of his conversations start with ‘you women’….You can feel his angst but aren’t sure why he is directing it at you cos you’ve only just met him. Then you realize, it’s NOT about you. It’s about him. Move on as quickly as you can from this dude. He has nothing but bad news he’s about to dump on you.

Mr Lovely, the type you could certainly take home, and just as you are thinking along such lines suddenly he shows you one annoying habit. Sniffing his snot back, that horrid throaty noise. Ugh. Then you realize he does it – constantly.

The New Age Guy: ‘ It’s all about love and loving babe. NO expectations, just be in the present moment and allow yourself to feel the love. It’s a vibe, a wave you won’t want to stop riding’ ….. yeah yeah…

Mr Therapist : ‘I noticed you flinch slightly when I said ‘so and so.’ Does this mean you have an unresolved negative core belief? Have you done much work on your negative core beliefs? Maybe I can help you…’

Mr Conscious’ : Wow, I feel your energy, we are so great together! Maybe your from another planet and we have met for some higher purpose…. Of course the way we get there is by…..

Mr Chatterbox – he wants to tell you his life story, the life stories of all his friends. He rarely draws a breath and doesn’t notice your eyes glazing over.

Mr Insensitive – he doesn’t see anything wrong with inviting you over to meet his roomy whom happens to be smacked out of their brain. He wonders why you choose to leave after awkwardly sizing up the situation. His calls of ‘they’re not that bad’ ring in your ears as you reverse out of his driveway.

Mr Alcoholic – he wants to tell you everything that’s wrong with him. In particular the chart on his wall that he puts a star on every night he resists drinking.

Mr Miser: He mentions the lack of money all the time or refers to his budget on dates that leaves you wondering ‘can you afford a relationship?’ Why are you even dating?

Of course, we have more positive men too!:

Mr Creative: he happily encourages you in your creative endeavour’s and calls to check how you’re getting on, words of support ringing in my ear (thanks D)

Mr Caring: He makes you a cuppa and patiently sits to listen as you unravel your latest disaster date.

Mr Active: hey. I bought half price vouchers to eat at blah, then we will go for a cycle ride to Sandgate and back … followed by a hot chai on my verandah. What about it?

Mr Dependable: He’s always there for you, turns up on time, opens the car door, makes sure your looked after and ok, not only dependable but also a gentleman…

There are many more of course, but that’s it for todays blog.

Musings of an ‘ex’ serial dater

I’ve decided to take a well -earned break from dating. I think I gave it a good shot last year (which morphed into this year) but from now on I’m having a break.

For the decent guys I’ve met online, this blog content is not aimed at you of course. Some of you I’m still mates with. However, this is my experience and some of it I’m sure you’ll find amusing. Hey I’m no expert either and try as I do, Im not perfect (hah!)So guys listen up, I keep hearing that you are confused by women these days. You don’t know how to behave in front of us, what is expected of you and so forth.
Just to clarify I am only one woman and these are my views and experiences.

I get a lot of ‘kisses’ and ‘hellos’ when I’m online, I read their profiles and if I get a hunch we could have similar things in common I suggest a chat on the phone. This tends to weed out a few, because some guys don’t call, others call and talk too much or ask too many personal questions for a first contact. Then get shitty when I say I don’t want to take things further. If we do proceed…

 

The Coffee Date : Be a lil sensitive. This means don’t sit there and talk about yourself the whole time. Ok, you may be nervous, deal with it! There is nothing more boring than someone taking over the conversation. Slow down and ask her some questions…. Amen.

I’ve been on coffee dates when afterwards I know his entire life story even down to how much he has in his bank account! He has left little to be discovered and I’m overwhelmed with all this information (and tired!) Listening is really tiring. God knows how counsellors do it for a job. So, please refrain from carrot dangling. It may entice us, get some initial interest in you, but really…. I’m now calling it for how it is. If the coffee date goes ok amid a shared flow of conversation, normally we venture onto a walk, lunch or a picnic somewhere.

The Picnic: Act casual. We are not getting married. This is not a green light for happy ever after. It is just a picnic. Please refrain from asking direct questions about ‘our future’. I’m still deciding how much I like you.

One guy I said yes to a picnic began asking me a series of questions in the car on the way to the picnic like ‘When will you know if I’m the one for you!’ and ‘I’m getting older, I don’t have much time to wait around okay, in fact, within 3 months I want to know your answer?’ That completely turned me off our picnic. I replied ‘can we just have lunch first, I mean, I have only known you about 2 hours’. Another date talked so much about his beliefs in the World Bank and Conspiracy theories I was almost running alongside him trying to keep up with his power walk and subsequent commentary when suddenly we stopped for a red light. He turns to me and says ‘Anyway how have you been?’ Phew. He finally realized I was there. I quite liked this guy, he was very interesting, mentally stimulating but after a few more dates I realized I couldn’t keep up with him….

Then we go to the other end of the spectrum, the one where I fall in love and think I’ve met my dream man.And he was my dream man, only in my head. After 6 months of pseudo dating we both lay awake in the wee small hours as I murmur, ‘sweetie where are we at?’ to which he replies, ‘oh my stance hasn’t changed, I told you I never want another relationship again… with anyone.’ My heart sank into my bed socks. I shed a few tears. My heart had been hopeful. I had no one to blame but myself. I could have said no months ago, instead I had the whacky idea he may change his mind! I learned then, we both gotta be on the same page…. No good ‘a wishin and a’ hoping….

I’ve learned there are many shades of dating and it is a ripe play gound to getting to know yourself rather well. Anyway….

Tips for going online.

If you are online, try to be authentic. Your photos need to reflect you. I have met so many men who have gained 10 kgs or aged 20 years.

One date I recognized his voice because nothing about him resembled his photograph! Thank god we had spoken on the phone.

Another man, sat down at a lunch table and placed these massive hairy sweaty arms on my cutlery. Talk about a turn off. I asked a friend who’s a counselor what he would have done in that situation, when someone looks completely different to their photo. He said ‘tell them your photo is not a true replica of you, so I do not want to proceed with lunch’. Good advice.

Other advice.

It really is the little things that make a difference.

Slow down, smell the roses and don’t make insinuations about bedding a woman you have only known a few hours. Neither ply her with alcohol when you have an ulterior motive. Eventually she will walk away if you don’t listen to her or she susses out what you are up to.

If you are into a woman, go on outings, take her places – it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, just get out there and do things. Galleries, movies, ferry rides. Pick a flower for her. One of my dates did this and it really touched me. (thank you!)

Don’t be a miser. One guy told me he didn’t have the money for a movie ticket over $10. If a woman is worth pursuing please get your act together. She is looking for a life companion, one to walk this incredible journey along side. Personally, I would prefer to go it alone, rather than compromise my values and authenticity. Good luck if your online and trying to find someone, it’s a bit of a minefield out there, but people do have success (apparently)… so it’s worth a shot if your up to it. Meanwhile, ladies… be a girl guide and get prepared – for anything!